Aug 21, 2006

If You Do Something Revolting In Public, You Might Find Yourself Here.

Call it a coping mechanism.

From now on, if I discover you being brazenly, casually, repulsively inappropriate around me, inside, I will be filled with the silent scream of stifled rage, but outside, I will appear composed as I stealthily snap your likeness.

Call it a bargain compared with strangulation.

The gentlewoman pictured below BLEATS into her cell phone at lunchtime in a busy office district, while repeatedly picking with her fingernails and discarding tiny pieces of something off her legs. With violent concentration, oblivious to the world beyond her loud, inane conversation, and her leg-picking.

pick leg

pick leg 2

My guess is she just went in for a lunchtime wax. At a cheap place that leaves your legs waxy.

Aug 20, 2006

OMG, Shannen Doherty Is Back!!!

You know, Brenda of 90210?!

She has a show on Oxygen where she'll end a relationship for you.

Wow, I can tell it's going to be juicy, judging by these preview posters I've seen around town (click to enlarge):

breaking up

Aug 19, 2006

My New Veterinary Clinic?

I've been shopping around for a new vet. This one's really close by. And, though it's not among my usual criteria for choosing a vet, this one requires a very unusual system of entry:

buzzard

Aug 18, 2006

Gramercy Cat.

Sometimes the cheap phone cameras surprise you.

gramercy cat july 06

Aug 10, 2006

I Realize That I'm Very Solipsistic.

And I don't care.

Aug 2, 2006

Who Has A Vacation Home I Can Visit?

Dodge needs to get the hell out.

If you have a cottage, cabin, villa, manse, chateau, or dacha I may invade for a brief time, I would like to hear from you.

My credentials:

  1. I clean up after myself.
  2. I will walk, hold, feed, and pet animals.
  3. I will not encourage you to eat those iffy fungi on our nature walks.
  4. I make the meanest, baddest guacamole you will have ever tasted (with or without cilantro, out of respect for those for whom cilantro = soap)...
  5. And the most perfect margarita to go with it. (My fruit-garnish preparation skills are top-notch.)
  6. I can haul out the wit if a moveable salon is what you are looking for.

Or I can completely ignore you all weekend, if that is what you are into.

Jul 30, 2006

What Have I Been Doing This Summer?

Watching it bake on by. I just went to the flea market for my allotted 30 minutes of cancer-baiting.

Belatedly falling in love with Black Sabbath. The pioneers. The best. Forever. SABBATH!

Learning drums. Listening to Priestess and Black Sabbath with my ginormous headphones on and picking out the drum part, over and over. Going to the studio with Ivan to rehearse. (Okay that's only happened once so far but it's going to continue.)

Some other things that I can't tell you because It's Not That Kind Of Blog. (But it's probably not what you think. It's most likely not as good as you think. Unless you think I murdered someone. It's better than that.)

And I baked a cake.

Some thrifting. There is no thrill to compare with getting some cheap t-shirt for close to what it actually should be worth. But even Beacon's Closet is too expensive for me now. Yesterday I got a skirt, dress, and two t-shirts for $48, but minus the $16 credit for some stuff I got that I maybe paid two dollars for (a one-piece Budweiser swimsuit that was too small for me (and too big for the other person I know who would really like it) and some gold sandals this woman at work gave me). So I paid around $34, really. Which isn't bad. I can and sometimes do pay Beacon's prices, but it is less of a thrill. The same haul would have been about $12 at M***. So the bargain aspect is definitely a draw. I can't tell you about the really cheap places because then all three of you might go there and ruin them for me.

I guess just tell me if you want to go thrifting with me. If you want to go with me, it's a different story.

Jul 16, 2006

The Groupie Bra-Fling Was So Wrong, In So Many Ways.

I chose an unwearable, a black lacy number from my current "collection." That's kind of sexy, right? That I'd worn it? And that I am now too fat to wear it? (You know you've gained weight when...(you gain a cup size)?) And that I am groupie-gifting an item that is useless to me and taking up space? All really hot groupie behavior, n'est ce pas?

The tag was frayed. It was a worn bra. See above. (But only the tag showed signs of wear.)

I wrote my phone number on the frayed tag with a Sharpie.

There was no room on the frayed tag for any information besides my phone number. No "to Vince," no "for a good time call." No "umm, yeah, so, this is Dodge."

The band was punctual. They were the first band of the day to play, at 1:30 pm, on the small stage. We arrived 1:33-ish and they were already playing. It was the middle of a heat wave and the sun was baking. It was yet another odd set of circumstances under which to see my favorite band: Wake n' Roll, on the beach. The early start time and the hour commute to Coney Island meant that all I had time for before departing my home to Rock Out was shower, dress, caffeinate, meet Rev and hop on the subway.

It kind of goes without saying that Priestess "brought it." Hirsute and black-clad, they sweat through their jeans as I worried whether they were properly hydrated in the intense heat. Their passion was not diminished by Coney Island's X-treme weather conditions. Vince was sitting at an angle that allowed some kind of air blower to pouf his voluminous locks into a constantly swirling halo around him at all times, giving his extended drum solo under the blistering sun an extra-hallucinatory effect.

Well, I "brought it" too, and I flung it as well. When they had played nearly all the hits, I got a pang in my stomach, thinking about the bra stuffed in my bag (another faux pas: I think any underwear you throw at a band is supposed to be ripped off your body in the frenzy of the moment, not judiciously plucked in advance from the "will I ever wear this again?" drawer) and the mission that still lay before me.

Which involved tapping the dude in front of me on the shoulder, and yelling "Excuse me, I have to throw my bra at them now" toward the vicinity of his ear. He politely shuffled to the left and I pressed myself against the barricade.

It was a far and high fling I was required to execute. The band was high up on this sheltered stage, and the barricade kept the thin but loyal crowd from getting closer than 30 or so feet away.

It was so hot, and I wasn't properly warmed up. I think I pulled a muscle in my side. The bra sailed into the barricaded-off area in front of the stage, where some guy batted it just as it was about to hit the ground, to give it the extra push it needed to make it to the stage. Where it sat, for the remainder of the show.

I had a nice time eating and drinking and going on the Tilt-a-Whirl with friends after, wondering, but at the same time actually understanding perfectly, why my phone did not light up that afternoon with a call from a member of Priestess.

priestess siren july 06
The guy in the headband is the one I had to tell to shove over.

Jul 9, 2006

Jun 14, 2006

Found Spam Poetry Du Jour.

explain dark social love horses,
completely number fill pleasure.
filled perhaps short?

CLICKHTML

love being near evil perhaps,
talked immediate sandwich cousin met.
disappoint development happened spot.
telling talked wine gray necessary met?
chance free god how?
quickly book considered.


Oh my god, this is the most beautiful poem ever.

And it so resonates with me! I mean, I've totally talked immediate sandwich cousin met! And don't get me started on love being near evil perhaps.