Canopy Of Cum.

I hope I can recover from what just happened.

Don't ask me what I'm doing up at this hour. Somewhere between 5:30 and 5:45, I was leaning out my open window that faces the street, thinking how lovely it was to be up so early, admiring my fire escape garden, enjoying how crisp and cool the air felt, and hearing birds actually chirping.

When I noticed the naked dude masturbating on his top-floor terrace, across the street and one building over from me. He frantically pulled on his penis for the next half hour. The cloth awning directly below him actually became stained with his spooge.

So I call my local precinct and they say they'll send someone. They never come--but my neighbor sure does, over and over by the looks of it. I call 311, and they tell me this is a 911 call, to report "lewd behavior." So I call 911. For a half an hour, while I am on the phone with the police and then waiting for them, he remained, leaning over his balcony railing, pulling on his weiner and jizz-drizzling on E. XX St.--or more accurately, the awning directly below.

A couple times, he darted into his apartment for a few seconds, maybe to grab more lube. Once, he disappeared for a longer time, only to reappear outside on the ground level: he stood around on the sidewalk outside his place for about a minute dressed in a black basketball tank top and beige pants. Then he went inside, reappeared on the terrace, masturbated clothed for a while, then disappeared only to return naked again.

He disappeared for good while the cruiser crawled up the block looking for the address.

They couldn't arrest him because he was inside now. The 911 lady called me back to ask if I wanted to file a report. I was enraged. I kinda felt I had to, but filing a report did nothing except inconvenience me further, and I realized while I was standing there between the cop car and the dude's apartment, pointing to the awning and explaining that the spreading amoeba-shaped puddle was made of his DNA, that I was probably being watched by Jack-on-the-Block at that very moment.

I wonder if his neighbors know that when they are leaving or entering the building they are walking under a canopy of his cum.

German Needs Me!

German, I don't really know you. But I know all I need to know. You are very compound word-dependent. Your clunky syllables are my giant, awkward legos. I vill play with you now. Together, we vill build new German words for new German future.

Gesichtverrat: When you run into someone one the street and first you smile, then you remember how you know them and your face for a second betrays your real feelings, before you can think to hide it. [Face Betrayal]

Verdaungpuenktlichkeitsstoerung: You're taking a dump, making dump sounds, the phone rings, you're late for work, the doorbell rings. [Poop Late Crazy]

Nachtarmtot: You wake up in the middle of the night to find you slept on your arm and the entire limb shoulder to fingertip is completely dead, it feels like an inert weight hanging off your body, and you have to swing it around to wake it up but it's so dead it slaps against you and surprises you. [Dead Arm Night Hang]

Mobiltelefonhass: Hatred for your cell phone.

Fremdenmobiltelefonhass: Hatred of other people's cell phones.

Eigenmobiltelefonbegehren: What you love about your cell phone but won't admit.

Wortueberbelastungseffekt: When you stare at a word so long it becomes meaningless. [Word Overload Effect]

Metaschadenfreude: Deriving pleasure from the knowledge that there is a word to describe your feelings of pleasure at others' misfortune.