Top Ten Reasons To Live.

10) No library fines until March 4

9) I still have to watch The 40 Year Old Virgin about 20 more times

8) I found out that I can extend my haircut past six weeks by switching the "part" (not really a part, just a...direction)

7) I always like to see how things turn out?

6) The bag of money might be about to drop out of the sky

5) The power of language, which can filibuster us through to the next reason

4) I want to read the Wu-Tang article in the old issue of the Voice I got from my neighbor

3) The Bee Gees (feels like a cop-out, only because it's so a given, but there you go, if it's a given, it might be the most solid reason on my list)

2) Well, since there's two of them left... Hi Barry, Hi Robin! You're my numbers 2 & 3!

1) To continue being the awesomely optimistic type of person who makes future-greeting lists like this

If Anyone Deserves To Be Purchased For $50,000, It's Me.

It's not like we didn't already know Vincent Gallo is a performance artist.

However.

If you have a publicist.

If you have some celebrity to sell.

Or if you have some celebrity to upgrade with sudden exposure, you don't need the $50,000.

I (also an artist), on the other hand, am one who could use a grant of $50, 000 to release me from service to the day job that only yesterday produced in me (once again) suicidal feelings. In order to more completely perform my other job, which includes, but is not limited to, telling jokes about ridiculous things like Vincent Gallo.

Not that I don't enjoy your antics, Vincent Gallo. But come on. I need one of your endowments a lot more than I need the other. You give me the cash, and I'll take you out for fish and braised vegetables (and we can talk about whether I'm interested in your other endowment), then I'll quit my job. If you want, my "performance" could be not even calling in to quit, or going there and making a scene, of your devising if you wish. Your choice.

The only thing that really bothers me is the "avowed Republican" part. Not even so much the Republican part (although that is always jarring to hear), but the "avowed." I wouldn't expect Vincent Gallo to be claiming to be an avowed anything, so I bet it's a carefully chosen part of the act.

Look, I said on myspace that I wanted to meet him, and that was before all this mess. Maybe Vincent Gallo sits around in his underwear Googling himself and will find this, and consider doing something truly good for humanity, and take me up on my offer.

Stay tuned for my web site with the donate button.

And now, before this blog becomes the Vincent Gallo Watch...

Vincent Gallo's Knob-Polishing Scene Can't Make Me Not Love Him & My Peculiar Brand Of Movie Review.

Just a few things, Jeff Mac and the rest of you:

It may seem that my movie reviews are stale, because I tend to write them long after the movies in question have been released. This is because I feel I can really dig in and explore my feelings about them only after the hubbub has died down. Also, perhaps laziness.

It may also seem that my movie reviews are b.s. because sometimes I like to review movies I haven't seen yet, or movies that I saw only long ago and maybe didn't even pay much attention to. This is my peculiar brand of review. Let's just say that sometimes what you have to say can be more pertinent when you don't know what you're talking about. If you believe that, I love you, don't ever leave me. For more on this, see the footnote to my Rauschenberg review.

I have not yet seen The Brown Bunny, but I have seen its x-rated knob-polishing scene on the Internet. (Sorry, no links to p*rn on my blog. Google it yourself. I'm already worried about the cretins I'll attract from having typed "x-rated" and "knob-polishing.") The movie is currently jockeying for a top-three spot on my netflix queue, and I look forward to watching it. I loved Buffalo '66.

I consider Ye Olde Knobbe Scene to have been an artistic misstep for Vincent Gallo. I don't have to see the whole movie to know that if you are going to have a scene like that, you can expect viewers to be violently ripped away from whatever narrative you have established, to be dragged down instead into prurient wonder about what the actors, not the characters, are doing, about whether it is a prosthesis, whether he really finished his bidness, whether she swallowed, et cetera and ad infinitum. This kind of brouhaha should be beneath Vincent Gallo (instead of Chloë Sevigny's head). His prodigious talent suddenly gets demoted to prodigious endowment.

The fact that Chloë Sevigny is his ex-girlfriend makes it slightly less icky, but it was still a mistake.

However, this faux pas cannot make me not love the man who cycles around the city, practically singlehandedly made Buffalo '66, and said this:

I don't trust or love anyone. Because people are so creepy. Creepy creepy creeps. Creeping around. Creeping here and creeping there. Creeping everywhere. Crippity crappity creepies.

Forgiveness is very satisfying. I can get on with my life now. I adore you, Vincent Gallo.